There are things I need to say. They won’t all be pretty.
Normally, this time of the month this would be a Funny Friday Post. There is nothing funny. The only reason I even know it’s Friday is because someone said something about the day of the week.
This is Caylee. One of my favorite pictures of her, fishing in Florida with Uncle Mike. We spent the day laughing and giggling and having fun. A bright, beautiful girl. She was murdered.
Killed by someone that as my friend Larry from Blue Ridge Mountain Life said,
“………(I refuse to call him a man or person, because real men and people don’t do stuff like this) they think did it.”
I can’t post the picture here. When I see that smirk on that face, I want to wipe that smirk off that face any way I can. I want him to hurt as we all will for
years for the rest of our lives.
There is no do over here, no second chance. No “give it time to work out”. There is just no Caylee to make us smile and laugh and want to pinch her little head. To offer to “beat up” anyone that makes her Aunt Nett cry. To twist her Uncle Mike around her finger and get what she wanted out of him. No Caylee for Uncle Mike to talk out of a bad mood or help her see a different point of view. No funny pictures she drew arriving in my mail box. No smile or laughter that lights the world. No Caylee.
What there is, and will always be is pain. Unending pain. I can’t say unbearable because we have no choice but to bear it. There is my brother and her mother having to bury a child, which no parent should ever have to do for any reason. There is me having to call my mother and tell her, because my brother just couldn’t do it. There is me listening on the other end of the phone as her sister cries so hard she can’t speak. All I can hear is her pain. There are a brother and a sister who will never know the joy of growing older with this sibling, celebrating her good things, having her back always and Caylee having theirs. There is a family with no answers and knowing we may never get them. There are no future children for her to have and share her love of life with. There are other Aunts and Uncles feeling as lost and devastated as we do. No Caylee.
As Mama said this morning, when I was relaying messages from her friends to her, there is no comfort, there is no peace. At this point there is no understanding. There is the never ending pain. There are all the questions we may never have answered. No Caylee.
There are people saying mean and hurtful things in the comments on news webpages. They obviously have a perfect life and have never loved someone with all their faults, all their good and bad quirks. They have never walked this road. But still No Caylee.
Caylee had demons, as we all do. She was fighting them and there is not a doubt in my mind she would have conquered them. In her way. She had dreams and plans for her life. She would have made them all come true. That was my Caylee. A fierce determination to do it her way. She’s not here any more.
One of the things that has been said to me that brought some measure of comfort was by my friend Karen from Baking In A Tornado
“……She was a human being, a loved one, a young woman who had every right to live out her future no matter what the mistakes of her past or her present. We all have demons. We all deserve the right to the time to conquer them.
There is no sleep, barely able to choke down a few bites of food because people tell you that you have to keep your strength up. There is you questioning why you have to keep your strength up. There is no Caylee.
Right now there is no peace, no comfort, no answers, no understanding. My struggle to put this into words, because that is what I do. Knowing it’s too raw for the rest of the world to see. Not caring. No Caylee
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